BEST STORY

When I was 12 or 13 my father had cable service added to the upstairs for myself and my siblings. The guy was able to install everything just fine, but when it came to hooking up the cable to the tv with a VCR, Nintendo, and Super Nintendo attached, the guy was clueless. He said he'd come back to it while he put the cable box in my sister's room. He came back not 5 minutes later to find me happily playing video games. He said "How did you do that?" My reply: I'm the kid. Never trust an adult to fiddle with electronics." And to think I almost worked for them years later...

It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.

He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.

Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.

"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."

Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.

One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"

"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

One Saturday morning,Glen decided to go fishing. He sat there for hours,but nothing.The bottle whiskey that he've took with him,was also empty.He throw the empty bottle into pieces against a nearby rock.

All of a sudden,there was something on the hook.He pulled the fish out of the water.The only fish for the day so far.The fish was so small,Glen decided to throw it back.

The little fish was so exited,to such an extend,that it decided to give Glen one wish.

He asked the little fish for some more whiskey.The fish said,"Allright then,when you're urinating,it will be pure whiskey."

So Glen sat there,and wonder,can this really be ? Glen took a glass and urinate in it.It was pure,pure whiskey.

A while later,a women,who was standing nearby,comes to him and asks,"sir are you allright ? I saw you drinking your own piss."no,said Glen,it's whiskey.

The women laughed.He urinate into the glass,and gave it to her.She could'nt believe it.

So they sat there almost for the rest of the day, drinking whiskey.

After about the seventh double,she asks Glen for a nother one.He looked her in the eye,throw the glass into pieces against the rock and said "What about drinking out of the bottle ?"

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him, and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife used some paper towels to blot up the gasoline, and threw them in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.

However, I must share the following:

After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.

A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.

So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"